


it drives like a boat, so put it in the water

by Thorinsmut



Series: Winter Hill [4]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alcohol, Canon-Typical Violence, Car Sex, Car destruction, Casual Sex, Complete, Crime, Cuddles, Drunkenness, Explicit Consent, Kiss it better, Kissing, M/M, Mild Injuries, No Magical Healing Cock, Nonpenetrative Sex, Prohibition AU, Smuggling, Tenderness, Vandalism, attempted vehicular manslaughter, car theft, gangsters au, hit and run (but they fail step two), lol what is canon, sex around injuries, tipsy sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:35:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23162614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thorinsmut/pseuds/Thorinsmut
Summary: "Wrap it up, beautiful, we need to get a move on." Nori called out, from hanging out the passenger side of the armored car. The frame vibrated against Nori's hand as he made to pull himself out. The engine was still running. In a fit of inspiration he added. "Can you drive?"Dwalin's disconcertingly blue eyes glinted in the light of the street lamps, and his teeth flashed a brief appearance as he took Nori's meaning. "Aye."Winter Hill – A Prohibition AU
Relationships: Dwalin/Nori
Series: Winter Hill [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1634950
Comments: 58
Kudos: 40





	1. Intro: Attempted Manslaughter

**Author's Note:**

> This installation of the AU was greatly inspired by Al Capone's bulletproof car:
> 
> https://www.cbsnews.com/news/you-can-now-buy-al-capones-bulletproof-1928-cadillac-sedan-for-1-million/
> 
> The glorious werpiper, who came up with the AU, has provided much headcanoning and beta assistance. This fic wouldn't exist without her!

Maybe, for just a moment, the gangsters in the car forgot what the Mannish gangs of the new world had learned (and learned hard) about the 'good neighbors', the 'small folk' who lived among them.

Maybe they were overconfident, in a brand new Cadillac fitted with three thousand pounds of armor plating, and didn't think anything could challenge them.

Maybe they'd been sampling from the shipment of liquor secreted in the back and thought they'd have a little fun.

Maybe they were just driving past. Saw a dwarf all alone, small even for his own kind, built slight under his big hair. Recognized a competitor who'd thumbed his nose at them one too many times. Took the opportunity as it presented itself.

Whatever the reason, the driver swerved hard.

Nori—that was their target—looked back far too late at the rumble of tires and engine, the sudden squeal of brakes. His eyes went wide, for just a moment, then the armored front end struck him with a solid _thud_. His body flew a short distance, collided with a brick wall, and slumped to the ground and below the line of sight of the people in the car.

"Holy shit, did you see that!?" one of them crowed. Another laughed, giddy and nervous.

"Fuck yeah! Serves the wee bastard right!" The driver snarled, triumphant, and grinned at his companions—sharing the moment of victory with them, and delaying their departure for a few brief seconds.

In that moment they had forgotten a very important thing—that if you try a hit-and-run on a dwarf, you'd better run fast. Because if you hit a dwarf with a car, the dwarf gets back up. _Angry._

They had forgotten, as Nori's hand closed on the gleaming steel bumper. They remembered as he pulled himself further up, crawling up over the front fender with his teeth bared in a snarl.

The nervous one's laugh changed to a shriek, and the driver spat another curse as he wrestled the car into reverse. He spun the wheel as he hit the gas, but if he hoped to shake Nori off, he was bound to be disappointed. Nori had a strong grip on the hood ornament and the spare tire. He clung tight to the beetle-green hood, tattered hair whipping around him, and climbed fast and sure to the driver's window.

The Cadillac was custom-fitted with bulletproof glass, a whole inch thick, but glass is the grown-up lovechild of stone and fire, and dwarves know both like brothers. Nori pulled the brass knuckles out of his pocket and swung. To its credit, it took Nori three strategic blows to crack, splinter, and shatter the window out of his way. He climbed in through the hole, still punching.

The Mannish gangsters, for their part, had seen enough. They screamed as they abandoned the car, spilling out the passenger's side. Before they had the chance to turn their guns on Nori they met someone they had not spotted; the person Nori had been coming to meet. This dwarf was built more like dwarves were expected to be, far broader and burlier than they, but this particular one was not all that much shorter than them.

They did not have any fun at all after that, but Dwalin sure did.


	2. Grand Theft Auto

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The car's frame vibrated against Nori's hand as he made to pull himself out. The engine was still running. In a fit of inspiration he added. "Can you drive?"

"Wrap it up, beautiful, we need to get a move on." Nori called out, from hanging out the passenger side of the armored car. He would have joined in if Dwalin needed any help, but he certainly hadn't. His economical brutality had been an inspiring thing to watch, really. Nori had already been hoping to end the night by jumping his bones. He happily doubled down on that plan, but the evening's unexpected events were drawing attention, and they needed gone.

The car's frame vibrated against Nori's hand as he made to pull himself out. The engine was still running. In a fit of inspiration he added. "Can you drive?"

Dwalin's disconcertingly blue eyes glinted in the light of the street lamps, and his teeth flashed a brief appearance as he took Nori's meaning. "Aye."

Dwalin left the hapless gangsters on the pavement without so much as an extra kick, his message already thoroughly delivered, and ran around to the driver's side of the car to let himself in. Nori slammed the passenger door closed, and they were off.

"...the hell?" Dwalin muttered, as the engine strained and the car gradually accelerated. "How heavy is this thing?"

"Felt pretty damn solid when it hit me." Nori rubbed his poor abused back. "The _bruises_ I'm going to have!"

Dwalin glanced over, briefly, expression sympathetic, then peered back at the road. He was tall enough to both reach the pedals and see over the steering wheel, if he scooted to the front of the seat and sat up straight. Nori couldn't have.

"You're all right," he said, more a statement than a question.

Nori was not sure if he wanted Dwalin to be more worried about him, or if he was offended that it even had to be asked. He snorted. "Takes more than _this_ to take me out of the game." He thumped his fist against the interior panel of the car, and then a second time in surprise at how thick it was. "You ever seen a car with armor like this?"

Dwalin grunted a negative sound as he steered them in a wide turn, biceps straining deliciously against his shirtsleeves. "It handles like a boat." His teeth appeared again, smile fierce and more than a little mean. "Let's put it in the water."

Nori laughed, thrilled to his core. He had to fight down the instinct to grab hold of Dwalin and kiss him right there. Dumping it in the drink was certainly one way to get rid of the car, and strike a decisive blow against the family who'd put so much money into it. Whoever they were. Men in suits, they all looked the same. The Irish, maybe? One of them had been a redhead.

Speaking of redheads in sharp suits, there was one now—starting up from a door stoop when he saw the car. Nori felt like he was watching at half speed as the next events transpired. The man stepped toward the street, like he was expecting the car to stop. He raised his hands in an exasperated motion when they weren't slowing, and then started shouting as they passed him by and he saw it wasn't his own people inside.

Shouting, and pulling a pistol out to fire after them.

"Down!" Nori suited action to word, tucking himself down into the seat. Blunt force was one thing, but even _their_ folk didn't walk off a .44 to the skull. The bullets were loud, hitting the car, and Nori flinched despite himself. There wasn't any shower of shattered glass, though, beyond what he'd personally broken. No puffs of upholstery stuffing torn loose.

Though slow at the get-go, they'd built up a good bit of momentum. They were out of the gunman's range very quickly, and Nori met Dwalin's eye as they sat up from their respective crouches. There was the same confused question in Dwalin's as he had in his own mind as they glanced toward the back of the car. The bullets hadn't even cracked the back window. There was a bit of chipping, maybe, and one bullet squarely plastered to the outside of the glass.

The car was bulletproof, all but invulnerable, and they both started laughing at the same time.

"I hope," Nori started, broke off with a hiccoughing laugh. "I hope you've got a good plan to ditch this boat. Our friend back there's already going to be ringing the whole family, let them know we've stolen their brand new bulletproof car!" It was hilarious. And fucking terrifying.

"Hm," Dwalin said, glancing over with the smile lines crinkled up around his eyes. "I've got a few ideas."


	3. Drunkenness and Sodomy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You may have twigged on to the fact that the chapters are titled after the main crimes therein. So you know this one's going to be good ;)

Dwalin parked and killed the engine, while Nori very quickly (but quietly) closed the warehouse door and barred it behind them. So far as Nori could tell, no one had seen them come into this warehouse, or even this row of warehouses, but he still felt like his heart was trying to jump out of his chest.

They'd brought down a lot more heat than Nori had expected, but then he hadn't known it was such a valuable car when he'd suggested taking it out for a joy ride. They'd been chased, and were lucky the Cadillac's armor was as strong against machine-gun fire as it was pistol shot.

Dwalin was a very good driver, though. He'd kept his cool, and used the Mannish gangs' turf wars against them by driving through the most hotly contested battle fronts. Thorin's people operated wherever they damn well pleased on Winter Hill—their pursuers didn't dare, for fear of retaliation.

The late summer night was warm, the wind whipping through the broken window practically pleasant. Better than sweating on a fire escape, waiting for a breeze that never came. Nori would have enjoyed it, if only the situation hadn't been quite so desperate!

It was cooler down at the waterfront, at least, even closed up in a warehouse. Nori breathed, reminded himself again that no one had seen them arrive, and walked somewhat-gingerly toward the car and Dwalin. The bruises from his sudden introduction to the vehicle were coming in something fierce. It was nothing like the way he'd hoped to end up limping when he'd invited Dwalin to come out for an evening! Not that he really thought Dwalin was crude enough to hurt a lover.

Nori climbed back into the car. Dwalin stretched, and turned a fond look on Nori. "They won't find us here," he said.

"Whose warehouse is it?" Nori asked. He'd like to know, if he was in danger of making enemies with them.

"Ours." Dwalin paused, then, remembering that he and Nori were not from the same operation. "Thorin's people," he corrected. "This place got raided last week, Thorin paid the bribes to get the space turned over to him. The news isn't out yet. If we're quiet, we'll be safe until the heat dies down."

That was a far pricier and more ostentatious move than Nori's family could or _would_ ever pull off. They survived just fine keeping quiet. Nori didn't have long to ponder the wisdom of regularly being seen with Dwalin, because Dwalin was reaching for him. His heavy hand was very warm on the side of Nori's face. His strong and deadly fingers found the nape of Nori's neck, gentle and careful. Nori felt simultaneously small and vulnerable and perfectly safe, and his mind went blissfully blank of anything but pure want.

Dwalin barely had time to rumble a quiet "I want to kiss—", a sweeter echo of Nori's request the first time they'd had it off, when Nori was kissing him. It was vicious, all the shock of the sudden attack and the fear of the chase bleeding out into it. Dwalin opened for him with a low groan. He accepted everything Nori gave, and the kiss deepened and gentled—gasped breaths, slick-sliding tongues and warm lips.

The oversized dimensions of the car did have some advantages. Nori climbed over into Dwalin's side, intent to straddle him in the driver's seat. He was reminded why that was a bad idea when he bumped his back into the wheel at the same time as Dwalin grabbed him firmly by the hip.

Nori made a very bad sound, sharp as the blossoming of fresh pain. He bit his bottom lip, bracing himself between Dwalin's shoulders and the wheel, to be sure he didn't bump it again, and tried to breathe. Dwalin's broad shoulders remained wonderful and a joy to touch, but the lust of the moment had passed.

Dwalin, thankfully, had released Nori's hip immediately. "You're all right?" he asked, and it was more of a question this time.

Nori nodded as he climbed very carefully off of Dwalin and back into his own seat. "Just bruises. Dori brews up this liniment, it'll take the ache right out of it. Once I make it back home." Nori was looking forward to that, a bit. He'd get to spend a few days lying around on his belly being cosseted. By the time it got wearing, he'd be feeling better enough to get up and go about the family business.

Dwalin made an understanding noise, and briefly cupped Nori's cheek again before he turned away to open his door. "There's more space in the back."

More space, a wide bench seat and no wheel to bump into. Relocating to the back was good thinking, and Nori slowly climbed out to join Dwalin there. Movement was becoming more difficult, with no adrenaline or distractions to mask it. He wondered if the Men they'd taken the car from, that Dwalin had left in the road, were in less or more pain than he was. He hoped it was more.

When he got to the back seat, Dwalin had found a cushion that pushed aside, revealing a space between the seats and the trunk, and was bent over to peer into it. There were things to be appreciated about the way the position displayed the considerable assets of his arse and thighs, and despite everything Nori was happy to be there to appreciate them.

"Ah!" Dwalin moved a bit of tarp aside, and there was a clinking of full bottles. He lifted one. "Liquor! They were driving around for a reason." He peered at the bottle in the dim light, then cracked it open and took a sniff. "They _were_ Irish. Whiskey." He sipped it thoughtfully. "Middling grade. Might dull the pain?" He offered the bottle to Nori.

Nori recoiled, wrinkling his nose at the pungent whiff. "You drink that shit?"

Dwalin snorted, shaking his head as he screwed the lid back on. "I can judge it enough to sell it, but it's wretched." He put the bottle back. "Ah, well."

Nori's curiosity and hopes were piqued, though. He joined Dwalin in looking into the smuggler's nook, moving the tarp further out of the way. If there was whiskey, there might be... "Yes!" He grabbed up one of the repurposed milk-bottles, full of creamy liquid.

"What's that?" Dwalin asked.

"This!" Nori held it up reverently. "If the foreman finds it in your lunch pail, it's 'Chocolate milk, sir! Very wholesome!'" He put on wide-eyed guileless expression for that, and Dwalin chuckled. "But if you're asking for it at the bar, it's Irish cream."

He popped the lid, took a sip, and smiled. The Men might have been using sub-par whiskey, but they'd made up a decent batch of Irish cream with it. Chocolate, coffee, cream, and sugar all mellowed out the strong spirit. It was potent still, but no longer unpleasant.

"Try it." Nori passed the bottle over. "You'll like it."

Dwalin obediently drank, a curious sip, and then after a thoughtful moment, a longer pull. "That's not bad," he judged, handing it back. "Nothing like the old country's cream liqueurs, but it's not bad."

"And it's right here!" Nori raised the bottle to him in a toast, and took another drink. Alcohol would either ease the dull pain of his extensive bruises or make him care about them less, and either one sounded good.

When he lowered the bottle Dwalin leaned in, and Nori kissed him again. It was softer this time, candy-sweet from the liquor, almost hesitant. It didn't feel quite right. When Nori drew back, eyes opening, Dwalin's hand was hanging awkwardly in the air near his torso, not quite touching.

"I don't know where you're hurt," Dwalin explained, hand flexing uselessly beside Nori's shoulder. "Where I can touch you." He settled for touching Nori's neck again, the bare skin behind his beard, one of the few places where he could easily see that Nori wasn't bruised.

Nori took another drink from the milk bottle, quirking an eyebrow. His best knife smile came naturally over the top rim. "Master Fundinol, are you looking for an excuse to get me naked?"

Dwalin blinked, clearly surprised, but then his gaze flicked up and down Nori's body in a very promising way. "Well..." he started.

"Because if you are, the answer's yes." The night might have taken an unexpected turn, but Nori's basic plan still stood. It couldn't hurt to make that absolutely clear, and gave him a much higher chance of getting what he wanted.

A warm sound rumbled in Dwalin's chest. He tugged on a pinch of Nori's shirt, undoing the top button. "I _was_ hoping to end the night that way."

Nori shifted around to recline as comfortably as he was able on the wide, luxuriant leather seat. He drank again, gesturing grandly at himself with the other hand—permission given to undress him. There was a wonderful decadence to it, sitting back drinking cream liqueur while the famed Enforcer himself undid him, button by button.

Dwalin could tell it was doing it for Nori, though. Or maybe he, like Nori, hadn't forgotten how the simple action had taken him apart their first time. The smile crinkles deepened around his eyes as he went. He touched Nori after every button, thick calloused fingertips stroking his downy chest hair and warm bare skin. He made eye contact as he unclasped Nori's cuffs, tenderly stroking the thin skin on the inside of Nori's comparatively-delicate wrists. Nori's entire body lit up, warm with the first hints of alcohol and pulsing with desire. He was panting by the time Dwalin unclipped his suspenders and gestured him forward so he could pull the shirt off him entirely.

Dwalin tossed it into the front seat without looking, and put his whole hand on Nori's chest. Nori loved the feel of it, the size, the warmth. Even if Dwalin couldn't feel the way his heart was racing, he'd be able to feel the quickness of his breath. Dwalin's mouth softened further with that faint smile as he pet Nori's chest, like he approved of what he'd found.

When Nori leaned up to kiss him, though, Dwalin shifted back. "Turn around," he said.

Nori took a frustrated swig from the bottle of Irish cream and did _not_ swear at Dwalin as he complied. Checking his injuries had been the excuse for taking his shirt off, after all. He braced himself against the seat with one arm, giving Dwalin a good view of his back.

"There," Nori said. "Bruised all to hell, but not broken." The whole mess of it throbbed in time with his heart, and whenever he moved, but he'd survive.

Dwalin made an agreeing sound. He touched Nori's sides, past the edges of where the bumper of the car had struck his lower back and hips. He stroked up Nori's spine, and then tenderly around the shoulder he'd hit the brick wall with. His instinctive curl to protect his comparatively vulnerable head and hands had served him well. The shoulder would be fine in time. It just ached.

"I've seen worse," Dwalin said, stroking Nori's back again. It was such an understatement it was almost a joke—Dwalin had _dealt_ far worse, even just earlier, while Nori watched. "You'll be all right in a few days." He was still touching Nori in long slow strokes over everything that didn't hurt.

Nori could feel himself melting into it, tension leaving him as his body softened... all but the one bit that was perking up and taking notice. It was almost embarrassing how easily he responded to Dwalin's hands. "You gonna kiss it better?" he snarked.

It was meant as a tease. He didn't expect Dwalin to slide his hand around to his chest, holding him in place. His breath was a warm puff against bruised skin, his beard a wiry tickle, and his lips brushed the sore place on Nori's shoulder so gently it didn't even add to the hurt. Nori shuddered, and Dwalin rubbed his chest soothingly as he did it again.

He left a constellation of feather-kisses on Nori's hurt shoulder, and a bolder set across the back of his neck and unbruised shoulder. Then he moved lower, trailing kisses down Nori's spine. There was a brief pause, a grunt of effort and the sound of shifting fabric. Nori glanced back to see Dwalin climbing down onto the floor of the car, the better to whisper kisses across Nori's lower back.

Dwalin's hand sank slowly lower, onto Nori's belly, but no further. Nori bit his lip on his soft moan. He _wanted_ , so much and so many different things he couldn't quite seem to string together the words to ask for any one. When Dwalin shifted back, tapping Nori on the hip, Nori took that as his cue to turn around again.

Dwalin was practically smirking. He knew how good he was, and how hot he got Nori. Nori grabbed his face between both hands and kissed him. There was something delicious about the position, with Dwalin on the floor so for once Nori was the taller partner. He wanted to devour Dwalin, and the feeling seemed to be mutual. Dwalin's hands flexed on Nori's thighs, kneading, holding him as they played at tongue-fucking each other.

Nori took no small amount of pride in the fact that Dwalin's pupils were blown wide when they drew apart. Nori wasn't the only one breathing hard. Dwalin reached up, resting his thumb on Nori's bottom lip.

"I could suck _you_ off, this time," Dwalin suggested, while in an entirely unfair move his free hand went to the part of Nori's legs to squeeze his groin.

Nori groaned a guttural sound, hips rising to push into the hard heat of Dwalin's hand. "Yeah... yes, please!" he said, to make it absolutely clear in words as well that he was on board.

Dwalin's teeth flashed, hungry and fierce, as he went for the button of Nori's pants. There was a moment of awkwardness, as Nori tried to help get his remaining clothes off his body as efficiently as possible but without increasing the pain he was in or moving even and inch further away from Dwalin. It seemed to take far too long, but in the end he was completely naked (save for a knife sheath on his arm) with his knees spread around the width of Dwalin's shoulders.

Dwalin rubbed his cheek against Nori's leg, beard scratchy against the tenderness of his inner thigh. He made eye contact, the bright blue glint of his eyes shadowed and dangerous beneath his heavy brow, before he bit. It wasn't hard enough to hurt, or leave a mark on Nori's thigh, just enough to make Nori twitch and whimper with the implied danger.

Then Dwalin finally took Nori's cock into his mouth to suck him sweet and slow with a single-minded thoroughness. He sucked like there was nowhere in the world he'd rather be than on his knees between Nori's legs. He moaned, a rough rumble that Nori could feel all the way into his belly, head bobbing sure and steady. Nori squeezed Dwalin's shoulders between his knees, hands stroking the smooth shaved baldness of his head and clenching on his neck to hold him closer in match to Dwalin's big hands gripping him by the thigh and petting his chest.

There was no way Nori could withstand the warm pull of his mouth for long.

"Dwalin I'm, I'll... oh!" he gasped, a poor excuse for a warning, but Dwalin only rumbled that throbbing moan again and kept going. Nori shook apart with a few hard gasps and bucking tremors.

Dwalin swallowed and leaned back, rubbing his mouth with the back of his hand. He stole the all-but-forgotten bottle of Irish cream from Nori's hand, and drank a hefty swig to wash away the taste. His lips were very red. Nori couldn't help wanting to kiss him. He grabbed hold of Dwalin's shoulders as he did, attempting to lift him up off the floor to get closer. He couldn't exert much force, with his back in the shape it was, and wouldn't have gotten very far at all if Dwalin hadn't figured out what he was trying to do and helped.

A peck of a kiss and Dwalin came up onto his knees, a second and Dwalin was climbing up onto the seat. On the third, Dwalin loomed up over Nori, big hand on his chest pushing him backward—and stopped the instant Nori flinched. Nori _wanted_ to get pinned beneath Dwalin's bulk, was the thing, but he didn't want to put even his own body weight on his bruised back. And he was still more sober than he wanted to be, if he cared about it so coherently.

Nori took the (much emptied) bottle of Irish cream back, gave it a swirl to get up any good chocolatey bits from the bottom, and drained it. Dwalin settled on the seat beside him with a loud breath, like he was trying to calm himself down. More calm was _not_ how Nori wanted him.

Nori dropped the empty bottle on the floor, and put a leg over Dwalin's lap. He kissed Dwalin so soft and as sweet as the cream liqueur they'd shared, a counterpoint to his nails digging into his chest through his shirt. Dwalin groaned and pushed up into it, his cock hard against Nori's leg.

"You're wearing too many clothes," Nori purred. He'd had his own orgasm, and a lovely one it had been. Now he wanted to bring Dwalin with him. He wanted to touch all of Dwalin. He wanted to be held. And he wanted more alcohol, so that when the rush of completion faded he still wouldn't feel any pain.

He kissed Dwalin again on the mouth, and then on the neck when he shifted forward to pull his shirt off. He moved his leg out of the way when Dwalin made to remove his pants. Dwalin, being larger, had less room to maneuver to get his clothes off. While he was working at that, Nori reached back into the smuggler's nook and groped around for another repurposed milk bottle.

The second bottle of liqueur was every bit as sweet and strong as the first. Nori waited just until Dwalin had his pants down around his knees and straddled him. It was so much easier in the spacious back seat, and without a steering wheel in the way. Dwalin was running hot, warmer than the air and faintly sweaty. Nori stroked his hairy chest as he brought the bottle to his mouth to let him drink.

Dwalin drank eagerly, and then nudged the bottle away to take Nori's mouth instead. "Your hands on me," he rumbled—maybe begged, Nori liked the thought of that. He hastily capped the bottle and set it down, the better to comply. Dwalin stroked him wherever it didn't hurt, while Nori filled both hands with Dwalin. First his brawny arms, the hairy expanse of his chest, his thick thighs, the slight softness of his belly, before finally his cock.

It was as lovely in the hand as it had been the mouth, soft and silky over a core of hot iron. Nori found himself cuddling into Dwalin as he stroked. His face tucked so nicely against Dwalin's neck. There, he could smell Dwalin's skin, sweaty and distinctly dwarvish. He could feel the rise and fall of Dwalin's breath. Dwalin wrapped an arm around his back, mindful of his bruises, and held him tight.

Dwalin's other hand joined Nori's on his cock, so they worked together over his hard length and that sweet clear diamond. Nori felt so close, bare skin against skin with Dwalin, wrapped up in each other and breathing the same air. It soothed some hunger in him.

He'd wanted to be breathtaking; impressive and unforgettable. He'd wanted to ride Dwalin so hard they both saw stars. He'd wanted Dwalin to give himself into him—the Old World phrasing, Dori-esque and thus slightly embarrassing, didn't feel inaccurate. Nori knew his own greed, but it did not feel unfulfilled. Plans changed, and this was simple, and easy, and _good_.

Nori drank some more Irish cream, and squeezed Dwalin's body between his legs as he curled in closer.

The alcohol was finally starting to hit him hard enough to leave him loose and drowsy. When Dwalin came, shaking beneath him, Nori caught as much of his spend as he could in his hand. The only thing to do with it, then, was to reach over and wipe it onto the beautiful expensive leather of the front seat.

Dwalin laughed, a lazy chuckle. He made no move to put himself back together, content to sprawl on the seat with Nori on his lap. He took the bottle from Nori's hand to drink some more himself, and gave it back.

He seemed to be enjoying the languorous sensual moment as much as Nori. He drew slow patterns on Nori's skin, and played with the loosened ends of his hair, while Nori cuddled close and pet his very nice muscles. Had the situation been different, Nori might have hesitated to ask for the indulgence. Their... fling? was still so new. As it was, they were stuck waiting the night out with nothing to share but drink and each other, and Dwalin showed no impatience. And now Nori was decidedly drunk, and not planning on becoming any less so, which made it very easy to dismiss the small worry. Easy to enjoy nothing but the touch, and the moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> note from werpiper: Irish cream liqueur was not actually invented out here in meatville until 1973. You may also notice that dwarves appear as an American ethnic minority in this story. Welcome to our fantasy!  
> TS adds: but cream liqueurs have been a thing for about as long as milk and alcohol were, so I don't feel bad about fudging the exact details.


	4. Vandalism

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The car was never going to survive this fic intact.

"We'll be sick as dogs in the morning if we drink nothing but liquor all night," Dwalin commented.

Nori made an agreeing sound, from his comfortable sprawl on Dwalin's chest. He had his switchblade out, and was focusing _very hard_ on finishing the heart he was carving into the fine leather upholstery. It surrounded a simple N + D, which it felt very important to record. It had to turn out just right.

Dwalin sighed, and craned his neck up a bit to kiss the top of Nori's head before beginning to extract himself from beneath Nori. Nori whined, but he did carefully lift himself to let Dwalin escape.

Dwalin didn't bother with more than his pants, leaving his chest beautifully bare. Nori flicked his switchblade closed and slipped it back into the arm sheath, the better to stroke Dwalin's back as he gathered up the two emptied milk bottles from the floor. Dwalin's eyes crinkled on the edges in a smile, and he kissed Nori on the cheek. He reached past Nori, digging into the smuggler's nook for a whiskey bottle as well.

"I'll be back," he said. "This place has got to have a bathroom."

"I'll be here." The soft leather seat was very comfortable to stretch out on, naked and relaxed. Nori didn't miss the way Dwalin's gaze ate him up, before he quietly closed the car door and left with his armful of bottles.

Nori yawned, and waited in drowsy contentment for Dwalin to come back. He didn't know how long it took. On the one hand it felt like he'd been alone _forever_ , and on the other that he blinked and Dwalin was back with three bottles of water and a crowbar he'd found somewhere.

"Drink," Dwalin said, putting one of the repurposed milk bottles in Nori's hand. Nori took it and climbed, cautiously, to his knees so he could drink without spilling water all over himself.

Dwalin put the other two bottles on the floor, but remained outside the car himself. He swung the crowbar in one hand, easy and dangerous, as he eyed the side panels. "Figured I ought to leave my mark," he said. A bit of moonlight shone in from the high windows of the warehouse, playing silvery across his flexing arms and chest, catching in the bright gleam of his eyes. Something in Nori's belly twitched, an aching _want_ even though he'd already _had_. Dwalin continued. "Durin's Crown on the—"

Nori hissed, holding his hands out for silence, and Dwalin broke off mid word.

_ting, ting, ting_

The sound was quiet, rhythmic, someone running a stick or a truncheon along the wall of the warehouse as they walked. Dwalin's balance shifted, grip on the crowbar tightening as he squared himself toward the sound.

They hardly dared breathe as the sound approached, as it did joined by a quiet-whistled tune. Outside. Whoever it was was definitely outside the warehouse, walking the alley beside. It could be anything. A night guard, the Irish out searching for them, _the police_.

Nori curled in on himself, small and hidden in the car even though the car itself was hidden inside the warehouse. The alcohol in his belly felt sour. Naked, drunk, and injured was only a good way to start a fight if you wanted to end it dead.

Dwalin pivoted to face the whistler as they passed, tracking them through the dark. The whistling faded gradually, and one last chime of the weapon against the far corner of the warehouse rang through the building, and they were in silence again. Dwalin exhaled a deep and controlled fighter's breath as he lowered the crowbar.

Nori couldn't copy him in that. His hands were shaking as he groped around for his pants. He was clumsy, trying to pull them on. He overbalanced, arms flying out sloppily but unable to catch himself to prevent bumping his back hard against the car door. His mouth opened on a pained cry it took everything he had not to give voice to. It came out silent, a hissing of air.

"Hey," Dwalin's voice was soft, his hands gentle as he steadied Nori to help him get dressed. "We're all right."

"No, it's not all right! I'm drunk." Nori hissed, quiet and vicious as he finally got his pants up over his hips. "I'm too _fucking drunk_ to fight! I can't!"

"Aye." Dwalin cupped the back of Nori's head in one big hand, forcing his head up to make him meet his eye. "But that's _what I'm for_." The Enforcer, the Threat, the Right Hand of Thorin, gave Nori a little shake, as if to make sure it made through Nori's head, then leaned forward and softly pressed his brow to Nori's. "We're safe here, if we're quiet," he reminded. "...got carried away, with the crowbar idea."

Nori gave up fighting with his pants button and slumped further to hide his face against Dwalin's neck. His eyes stung. He bit his lip, to try to gain some composure. When he thought he could do it without embarrassing himself, he took another drink of water and scooted closer to Dwalin. He was grateful that Dwalin took the hint and wrapped his arms around him to hold him.

It meant something, to have Dwalin there to protect him, even if it was just for a single night. It was a kind of safety Nori wasn't used to. He didn't know what to do with it, other than be glad that of all the people in all of Boston, it had been Dwalin he was meeting when he was attacked.

"Train track runs nearby," he said, eventually. Dwalin made a curious sound, and Nori realized the rest of the thought had not been obvious. "To cover the sound when you mark the car." A little clanging from inside a warehouse wouldn't hold a candle to the racket of the train slowing toward the station at the docks.

"Ah!" Dwalin's hands flexed against Nori, like he couldn't wait to get them back on the crowbar. "Aye, that'll do it."

  
  


The last train in for the night screeched and rattled past, and Nori sat on an upended crate near the car while Dwalin smashed Durin's Crown deep into the armored panels on both sides. He'd marked out the seven stars of the crown into the paint in advance. The clawed end of the crowbar left two holes with each blow—three strikes set crosswise to each other made a good star. Dwalin's swings were perfect, precise and powerful, but of course they were. An improvised weapon might as well be an extension of his body to a fighter that good.

His shoulders flexed, muscles shifting across his bare back as he worked. Nori sipped his Irish cream and admired the view.

When he was done, Dwalin nodded to himself and tossed the crowbar aside. He dusted his hands off and smiled at Nori over his shoulder. "There. If they ever pull it out of the drink, they'll know they crossed Durin's Boys."

"I don't work for Thorin," Nori reminded, a bit sharply. " _I'm_ the one they hit!" He would not be forgetting that any time soon, with the dull throb all over his back. He was not looking forward to sobering up enough to take the first morning train back up the hill to go home. It hurt enough drunk.

The train was past them now, the sound fading. Dwalin spoke quietly when he continued, "You want your mark on it too? That's a lot of trouble to go courting."

Nori sneered, looking away. "No." He and Dori alone didn't have the resources to weather the kind of heat it would bring down. Not by any stretch of the imagination. "But still." It was the _principle_ of the thing, even if Nori couldn't quite articulate what, exactly, the principle was.

Dwalin's expression was sympathetic. He offered Nori a hand up. "Your people were Durin's Folk too, in the old country, weren't they?"

"That was in the old country." It didn't mean much anymore.

Dwalin's shoulders slumped slightly, but he still pulled Nori to his feet. “You’ll stand among my folk,” he said, “even here.” The blue eyes dared Nori to argue. He almost thought he should, for his family’s honor; he also didn’t want to at all. So he only shrugged. Dwalin clapped his shoulder, but feather-light, and Nori had to smile.

"Let's get some rest," he said, and tugged Dwalin with him to the backseat. It was still many hours from dawn, and the oversized dimensions of the car had to be good for something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are greatly appreciated!


	5. Destruction of Property

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and finally, that which was was always going to be the fate of the car occurs

The sun rose out over the water. The world was lit in soft pinks and golds, and Nori and Dwalin were not too tired to appreciate the beauty, or even the romance of seeing a new day together. They were quick-washed and combed and dressed again, their clothes just a bit rumpled, and their limbs just a bit stiff. A car was not a comfortable place to sleep, even an oversized mannish car.

There was only one thing left to do, but they were both hesitating.

Dwalin patted the dashboard, beyond the steering wheel. "Seems a shame," he said, finally.

"Must be nice, having a car," Nori mused. "I don't think there's an ounce of liquor we've sold that I didn't carry on my own back." He certainly wouldn't be carrying anything for a while, other than his own self, and that directly into his bed.

"Brand new," Dwalin observed, pointing at the odometer. "Barely a thousand miles on it." He sighed, a touch wistful.

But there was no use getting caught up in an impossible dream. Nori reached over (a bit tenderly, in deference to his aching back) and smacked Dwalin's arm with the back of his hand. "You really want to drive this thing around town, with every last Irishman and all their paid coppers gunning for you?"

"Ha!" Dwalin actually seemed to consider it before he shook his head. "Well, then." He patted the steering wheel one last time, and opened his door.

Rigging the gas pedal down with a brick and the crowbar was the work of a moment. Nori and Dwalin stood back, and watched the armored car accelerate down the short hill, and halfway down the dock before teetering off the edge and sinking into deep water with a loud splash.

The Mannish folk were not going to be happy at all when they discovered that one of their favorite smuggling docks was now blocked by heavy wreckage, useless for any boat deeper-keeled than a canoe. That just meant a little less competition for Thorin's people and the Ri brothers.

Dwalin and Nori shared a satisfied nod. They walked, together, toward the station and the morning train that would take them back up Winter Hill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FIN
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I had a lot of fun writing this fic, and I hope you enjoyed!  
> Drop a comment if you can, they're what keeps me going.  
> <3  
> TS


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